About Eve

EVE-Profile-webEve is a very tall woman trapped in a short woman’s body. She is a writer, illustrator, and all around awkward person. She lives with her husband and THREE sons in a very small house somewhere close by. She is probably your neighbor. Don’t call the authorities. That’s probably not her screaming at her children to stop leaving the freaking bag of marshmallows open in the cabinet because that just makes them stale. In fact, Eve only ever speaks to her children in a quiet, even tone and never yells. She couldn’t even speak loudly and angrily if she tried. Not that she has.

Bottom line, leave the police out of this please.

 

Eve’s work has recently been featured on Blogher, Scary Mommy, and What the Flicka.

Email her at evesdamnapple@gmail.com.

 

 

 

Questions I am Frequently Asked and the Answers to Said Questions:

How are you?

Well, I’ve had my period for the last two weeks now so, you know, bleeding a lot and really bloated. I really want to unbutton my pants right now. And Quai is failing three subjects. I really don’t know what to do about that. I can feel the grey hairs popping up. I don’t even know if I like my kids that much to have all these stress wrinkles. I’m telling you man, don’t have kids. I ate a beef patty a little while ago so I’m super gassy. I’m sorry if I fart and it smells like beef patty. Errr…I mean, I’m fine. How are you?

 

What’s for dinner?

Seriously, do you people really need to eat every night? How about some cereal?

 

Can I go out and play?

Please do. Stay where I can see you.

 

How do you do it with three kids and working full time?

Honestly, not well. I’m always a frazzled mess. Our house looks like a tornado hit ground right in the middle and just spread throughout. Sometime I fantasize about taking off to a deserted island where it’s just me and a volleyball for two years but then I get a volleyball whacked at my head and realize that volleyballs are highly overrated.  It can be argued that my three-year-old is being raised by our seven-year-old neighbor considering how much time I let them spend running around outside while I stand inside the kitchen watching them from the window and drinking wine. That or the iPad. The iPad has basically taught Bear everything he knows in life. I’m exhausted. I’m getting grey hair and wrinkles. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. In order to compensate for their overall craziness, my sons and husband have decided to be the best looking, most heartwrenchingly adorable people in this world. This was really a smart move on their parts. Every day I come home and stare at my boys and am amazed at how lucky I got to have them in my life. Then I get smacked in the head with a volleyball.

 

Can I have some chocolate milk?

I see your request for chocolate milk and raise you one “Have you finished all your dinner?” I win again.

 

What kind of camera do you use?

I use a Canon Mark III. It’s the greatest camera ever. I will probably never get another camera. I use it for both photo and video unless I’m just taking a quick picture with my cell phone

 

I want to start a website. What should I do? Is it easy?

You should start a website! That’s be great. Here’s the general rundown of how I set up websites. There are hundreds of ways to do it but I recommend this:

  1. Buy a domain name and hosting plan. I use Dreamhost for both of these things. A shared hosting plan with them is really simple and inexpensive.
  2. Set up your website. I recommend using WordPress. It’s free and the possibilities for what you can do with it are pretty endless. I’m not going to do into the details of setting up a WordPress website but I will tell you that most shared hosting providers, including Dreamhost offer one click installs of WordPress on their hosted websites. You can literally have a website up and running within moments.
  3. Set up a theme for your new site. Just searching for a theme in WordPress will get you thousands of free options. That might be how you want to start. I, however like to use purchased themes because they usually come with way more functionality and are fancier right out of the box. I use Themeforest to purchase themes and occasionally premium plugins.  The theme that I currently have is called “Big Bang” theme.

 

Why is your tummy so jiggly?

Be quiet and stop poking my stomach. It’s not nice to point out ladies’ fat. Go play.

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