How to be the Fattest Fatty Ever This Thanksgiving

My family is a very popular and highly sought after demographic among those relatives and friends looking to beef up attendance at their Thanksgiving celebrations. Five people, three of whom are very small and adorable, easily fill a table without requiring much extra effort or food but bring the entertainment factor that all hosts desire. Worried about having a boring holiday? Not possible when there’s a toddler throwing yams at his brother across the table. Considering the bargain we offer in both quantity and quality, it’s no surprise that each year my family finds itself shuffling between two or sometimes three different feasts.

I know. What a sacrifice.

With all this shuffling comes a lot of eating. Each dinner has slightly different offerings and I’ve had to come up with a few strategies to make it through the day without prematurely slipping into a food coma and being unable to make it to our next stop. In turn, I’ve developed a highly scientific formula for packing in the most calories humanly possible without having your stomach explode. Whether you also find yourself traveling from dinner to Thanksgiving dinner or you just want to maximize your caloric potential on this national celebration of gluttony, the following tips will help you succeed at being the fattest fatty ever this Thanksgiving.


1. Don’t waste space on foods you don’t really enjoy. Like spinach.

2. Dress comfortably and make sure your pants will allow for some growth throughout the day. Why everyone feels the need to dress up for a holiday whose whole point is gorging oneself is beyond me. Stand out from the crowd. Wear sweatpants. Or no pants.

3. Save the turkey for last. Let’s be honest, once all that L-Tryptophan kicks in you’re going to want to sit down and pass out in front of a television so save the gobbler until the end. Instead, start with pie, which is filled with the simple sugars that’ll give you the extra boost you need to get through the day.

4. Remember to exercise. Lift your turkey thigh above your head twelve times with your right arm, switch to your left and repeat. Do three reps on each side before eating. Be sure to explain what you’re doing to all your onlookers. Not only are you burning at least a dozen calories and boosting your eating energy, you’re also making them all feel delightfully bad about themselves for not caring about fitness as much as you do.

5. Finally, take a to-go plate from each stop. People will think you’re being frugal and using the leftovers to feed your family the next day when actually you’re just planning on throwing it all between two dinner rolls and eating it all later that night after everyone else is asleep.

There you go, a few simple tips to help you gorge yourself beyond belief on this most wonderful holiday dedicated to the unbridled and unfettered joy of over-eating. Now go, eat and be merry, my friends. Eat and be merry.

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